He Said/She Said

Absent Mother vs. Absent Father

He Said...

This is a difficult topic to begin with. One fact is that men and women are different in many ways, but they both are capable of being a mother and a father to a child.  Having said that, I think that it is easier for a child to be raised by the same sex parent during the puberty years.  So many questions arise and there are so many changes in a person’s body, that the child feels more comfortable talking to someone of the same gender.

As a soldier, I was deployed a lot and thus absent for much of my children’s rearing. 

I have 4 children; 3 girls and one boy. My son is the third child amongst his sisters. From the time they were little, both my wife and I (now divorced) - taught our children to be open and honest with us. My wife used video tapes on pregnancy and childbirth at a very early age, this way, for my girls, nothing was a surprise as they grew and began to change. 

For my son, those tapes didn’t work because it didn’t talk about the changes in a man in order to produce a child. He had questions. I was away and he became frustrated, even angry, by not being able to express how he felt or what was happening. I remember calling just to talk to him about these things and answer his questions. My wife, a registered nurse and wonderful mother, wasn’t able to fill this role. I had to do it from half way around the world. 

I was 12 when my father passed away and all of us boys had many of the same issues. We ended up reading about things in adult magazines we found in the trash or by peers, who laughed at us for not knowing some things. Nothing against my mother, but as great as she was, I wasn’t going to go to her and ask; “Why is it when I ride in the back of the bus my thing get rigid?” Trying to walk and hide it at the same time is a very difficult maneuver. I know that a woman can give all the information but it is different coming from someone who experienced it as well and can help guide you through it. 

I believe with everything else, that a man can be just as nurturing as a woman and a woman can be the disciplinarian as well as the man. In today’s society we have to be. Divorce rate as high as it is, possibility of early death, demands of work on both will leave a child being raised by one parent. To think that one parent is better than the next based on gender is an absurd and archaic way of thinking.

She Said...

This can be a touchy subject among the divorced with children crowd.  God knows I know from personal experience, including three custody battles.  I have three sons, one age sixteen, and two are twelve.  They have lived with me for eight out of the past twelve years and four with their father.  I do believe that there are some parents out there that can handle being both parents to their children when they have to be, and some that are not.  I agree with George that both are capable.  However, I disagree with him when he states that he thinks its easier for a child to be raised by the same sex parent during puberty.

Right now I have one who has gone through puberty and two who are just beginning.  Since I believe in being open with your children, I had “the talk” with them all.  I answered any questions, stated my opinion on abstinence, explained disease etc….  I also explained to all of them that they were welcome to speak with their father on the subject or an uncle etc… if they so wished.  When I had the talk with my eldest, and told him he could talk with his father about sex etc… his response was, “No way Mom!  If I need to talk to anyone about this stuff I will come to you.”  Thing is, my kids trust me, they know that I won’t bullshit them.  They know that even if one of us is slightly or even a lot embarrassed over the topic, that we can get through it together.  

They know that I will make the effort to find an answer to their questions.  They know that if I don’t know the answer, which in their opinion is rare, they know I will ask someone and then explain everything to them.  In my opinion, it doesn’t matter if the same sex parent is present during the time of puberty, it only matters that the present parent cares and is willing to take the time to help.  Let’s face facts, puberty is hard no matter who helps you through it.  We can make it easier for our children or hard for them.  We can help them by being honest and open with the harder subjects.  Or we can be stuffy and afraid to conquer the topics that make us uncomfortable.  Frankly, I want my children to be as prepared for life as they possibly can be which is why I’m so honest and open with them.  I’m also not afraid to admit when I’m wrong or I don’t know the answer.  I think it makes them respect me more when I can admit fault.  

My older son has come to me a few times over the years with questions or problems related to “puberty” and feels comfortable doing so.  He always thanks me for my help and makes sure to tell me he knew he could count on me.  That to me says it all.